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Impromptu
by lostwingsxoxo
( 27, Female )
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Tour Day One
02-08-12 01:06 AM
Well, I just don't know what is wrong with me. To be perfectly honest, I feel awful, I hate myself, and if I felt like I had a home somewhere, I'd want to go there, but I don't. I have no idea why. I suddenly became psycho self-conscious about the way I look. I suddenly became overly critical of every relationship I have. I've decided the one person that I do love and trust dearly doesn't care about me at all. When in actuality- I'm sure he does. I am an emotional wreck, and I can't pull it together.
This morning, I overslept, again. I made it to rehearsal on time, but didn't do anything I wanted to do this morning. Rehearsal was just fine. Then we packed up, and I'm traveling separately from the rest of the wind ensemble in a van with a couple other kids, because to be honest, I can't really stand being around these kids on a personal level for a lengthy period of time. They are crass, and abuse a lot of substances and party all the time, or they are very shallow, and talk about things I'm not interested in, or have a different sense of humor than I do.
I really just don't like anybody. Which makes me a miserable person. I have been trying to see good in people and I have been praying to God to help me find people I connect to and enjoy and love that are my own age, but nobody is my own age here. Even the graduate students are at least 4 years younger than I am. And this is a formative time!
Anyway, I wish I could have gotten some work done on the van ride, but I couldn't because I get sick in cars when I read, so I had to listen to these kids talk about doing drugs and make crude jokes, so I just zoned out.
At 4, we arrived in Victoria, TX which is south of Waco, and about an hour and a half away from Corpus Christi. We rehearsed, had dinner, and got ready to play the concert. Everything has been going just fine. Our concert last night was very moving for me, and I did very well. I am really happy with my playing all around. But for some reason, while we are sitting behind the curtain, our teacher comes over and starts talking to Kevin, and he looked up and said a quick good luck to the rest of us, and left. This was enough to make me just completely break down.
Luckily, there was an awards ceremony going on, and the curtain was drawn for at least 15 minutes. I just covered my face with my hands and just started crying and crying and all I could do is just feel a deep heart wrenching pain in my chest.
I gained composure, and played well. I tried to just lose myself in the music, but I wasn't as into it in an emotional way. I was focused more on technique. I mean, I was playing musically, but it was just more of a tactical strategy.
The last piece, I had to play out in the audience. I wasn't nervous at all until my teacher came and sat. I think I chipped a note here and there that I normally wouldn't, but I made up for it by nailing the rest of it. It is a really difficult line to pull of. There is one part where we slur up to a really high pitch, and I have been loving that moment. I just hit it every time and let loose. And it's a huge sound, and in tune and awesome. I have been working really hard on this stuff, so I'm happy to have a chance to use it in a performance.
I don't know why I feel so awful.
I need to type up a paper and go to sleep. Tomorrow we have some important performances.
This morning, I overslept, again. I made it to rehearsal on time, but didn't do anything I wanted to do this morning. Rehearsal was just fine. Then we packed up, and I'm traveling separately from the rest of the wind ensemble in a van with a couple other kids, because to be honest, I can't really stand being around these kids on a personal level for a lengthy period of time. They are crass, and abuse a lot of substances and party all the time, or they are very shallow, and talk about things I'm not interested in, or have a different sense of humor than I do.
I really just don't like anybody. Which makes me a miserable person. I have been trying to see good in people and I have been praying to God to help me find people I connect to and enjoy and love that are my own age, but nobody is my own age here. Even the graduate students are at least 4 years younger than I am. And this is a formative time!
Anyway, I wish I could have gotten some work done on the van ride, but I couldn't because I get sick in cars when I read, so I had to listen to these kids talk about doing drugs and make crude jokes, so I just zoned out.
At 4, we arrived in Victoria, TX which is south of Waco, and about an hour and a half away from Corpus Christi. We rehearsed, had dinner, and got ready to play the concert. Everything has been going just fine. Our concert last night was very moving for me, and I did very well. I am really happy with my playing all around. But for some reason, while we are sitting behind the curtain, our teacher comes over and starts talking to Kevin, and he looked up and said a quick good luck to the rest of us, and left. This was enough to make me just completely break down.
Luckily, there was an awards ceremony going on, and the curtain was drawn for at least 15 minutes. I just covered my face with my hands and just started crying and crying and all I could do is just feel a deep heart wrenching pain in my chest.
I gained composure, and played well. I tried to just lose myself in the music, but I wasn't as into it in an emotional way. I was focused more on technique. I mean, I was playing musically, but it was just more of a tactical strategy.
The last piece, I had to play out in the audience. I wasn't nervous at all until my teacher came and sat. I think I chipped a note here and there that I normally wouldn't, but I made up for it by nailing the rest of it. It is a really difficult line to pull of. There is one part where we slur up to a really high pitch, and I have been loving that moment. I just hit it every time and let loose. And it's a huge sound, and in tune and awesome. I have been working really hard on this stuff, so I'm happy to have a chance to use it in a performance.
I don't know why I feel so awful.
I need to type up a paper and go to sleep. Tomorrow we have some important performances.
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